The Overwhelm

I’ve been trying to write a blog post for a while but up until today that blank page has been a bit too intimidating. I haven’t known what to fill it with. I still don’t to be honest, but I figured it would be best to just get something out there. I feel like if I don’t make start now, even a half-arsed one, then I never will.

Everything’s a little bit overwhelming right now, and some have a theory as to why that might be. Can you believe it’s been over a year since the first UK lockdown? Some people reckon that the anniversary of the corona shit hitting the fan might be what’s making us all feel a little bit crappier than usual, but let’s face it, there are plenty of contenders for that these days.

Lockdown restrictions are starting to ease, and I’m not even feeling overly scared about it. I’m concerned of course – life going back to some semblance of normality is inevitably going to mean more cases, but the data for the vaccine looks good. It’s working! Although life isn’t going back to how it was pre-2020 any time soon, there is some light at the end of the tunnel. So why do I feel so meh?

I think it’s because I got so excited about what I could achieve last year. I had such grand plans for the house and garden, and now 2021 is here and it’s time to get started with those plans, I realised I don’t have the time or the energy. When I was furloughed it felt like I could do anything, but after being off work all that time I forgot that I’m usually there for such a huge portion of my life. I’m not a miracle worker. I need sleep to function, and as it happens, I need lots of it. I’m not a failure if I can’t manage to do all the things in one weekend.

I feel guilty that I won’t be building the shed I envisioned. That I haven’t put up the greenhouse. That I haven’t turned the garden into an oasis. But… who do I have to feel guilty to? No one, that’s who! I put so much pressure on myself that I managed to turn something I love into a monkey on my back. That is SO ME.

So over the last few days, I just got out into the garden with no particular agenda. No to-do list, the only plan was to get out there and see what I felt like doing.

Last year I planted so many bulbs, but when planting time came, again I was feeling a bit pants so my only goal was to get them in the ground so they didn’t rot. I didn’t think much about where I was putting them so they don’t have the impact that 300 bulbs could’ve had. However, by some happy accidents, it’s not all bad.

The area under the apple tree is my favourite by far. I have literally no memory of ordering any anemones, but they are the absolute star of the show. The bright purples, reds, and pinks are bringing me joy every time I look out into the garden, and they seem absolutely impervious to slugs and other pests. I’ll definitely be planting more of those for next year. They also happen to be cheap which is handy.

The bulbs in the rest of the garden are too spread out, but I’ll be remedying that next year. Probably. Unless I get sad.

Another thing that’s getting to me is my weight. When I wasn’t going out, not thinking about my appearance was easy. I had never been so comfortable in my own skin. My size just didn’t matter to me at all. But when I went back out into the world I realised that I simply cannot let go of the dream of being slim again.

It’s weirdly 20 degrees celcius out there right now, and although the decent weather is just a blip and typical British springtime will be returning in a couple of days, it’s made me think about how uncomfortable I’ll be at work if I carry on as I am. I’ve already gone through a winter of freezing my bits off as I can’t get adequate cold weather clothing to fit me.

I was doing ok until I reached the point of not being able to stand my own reflection any more, which has only happened over the last couple of weeks but still. Not ideal.

Something has to change.

I’ve been trying to quietly made positive changes over the last month, but every attempt has ended in failure. Therefore I’m going back to the old standby of writing about it here and hopefully staying on track for more than five minutes.

I’m trying not to dwell too much on weights and sizes, but the fact remains I’ve regained such a lot of weight. Since the end of 2018 I have gained a rather impressive seven stone. If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s putting on the pounds. I am an expert.

Today met up for a walk and a coffee with my sister and Newton, since that is legal now, which has made me realise how much I need to start getting out regularly again. My size has meant that I’ve avoided leaving the house if I can, which HAS TO STOP!

Besides, if I hadn’t gone out then I wouldn’t have seen sunbathing terrapins in the park. It’s not every day you see that, right?!

I need to make diet and exercise my priority again, but no matter what I choose to do, be it gardening, art, exercise, I always feel guilt over the thing I’m not doing. Which is so stupid, since I’m an adult and it’s up to me what I do in my spare time.

Sigh. I suppose I’d better crack on with it and not think too much. I’m sure once I start making progress I’ll perk up!

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x