Something to show for it

Roughly two days after I was sooooooooo motivated to finally lose some weight, it all went tits up and I had a massive gain. I’d been already been thinking about rejoining my old Slimming World group, even though it was the last thing I wanted to be doing. I realised that although I might not want to do it, I needed to do something. Fortuitously, my consultant sent out a text a few weeks ago saying that group was reopening, but due to Covid we had to book. Since we have to be spaced out, less people can fit in the venue and spots are in short supply.

I didn’t think about it, I just replied back straight away. SIGN ME UP.

I could have written about my intentions at that moment, but I didn’t want to do that then eff it all up. I waited until I had something to show you.

My first week, I got my half stone award. My second week (this week) I got Slimmer of the Week and I have lost a total of 10lbs. I’m ACTUALLY DOING IT! FINALLY!

It’s been a bit of a mind f**k so far to be honest. Again because of Covid, we have to keep our shoes on when we weigh. That first week back was hard because what with the shoes being on along with wearing more clothes (no more weighing in undies for me) and switching to an evening weigh from a morning weigh, the difference between my home scales and the SW scales was astronomical. I know the number doesn’t matter, as long as I see a difference week after week, but it didn’t stop my heart sinking when I saw it.

Still, I pulled myself together and got right into it.

The key is going to be consistency. If I lose 2.5 pounds a week, which has traditionally been my average, then I should be at target by Swingamajig 2022 as planned. I just have to KEEP GOING.

It hasn’t been too hard so far, but since I’m going through a spot of depression all I want to do is sleep. Nothing is bringing me a buzz like the garden did last year, or like I had when I started getting back into painting and drawing. I decided to come off of my anti depressants some months ago, because although I felt just fine in the end I didn’t feel anything else at all (apart from extreme anxiety) and it wasn’t sitting right with me.

I’ve learned some coping mechanisms over the last couple of years, and I think if I really look after myself then I can be happy without pills. It’s just going to take some time to adjust. Don’t get me wrong, they were great for getting by when I needed them, when the alternative was something much, much worse, but I didn’t want to rely on them forever.

I was getting more and more stressed out at work, and I felt if I could just sit and have a good cry it would be a great release. But when I was medicated, the tears wouldn’t come. I couldn’t cry the whole time I was on them. Shortly after I stopped taking them I cried whilst watching Bridgerton, of all things, and it felt wonderful to finally be feeling all the feelings, even the painful ones.

At the moment everything is a little flat again, but I know I’m just in a dip and if I practice some self-care I’ll come out of it again. I haven’t had alcohol since I went back to group and I’m getting moving again. That, along with at last eating some gosh darn vegetables, should do me the world of good. Same as with the diet, I just need to keep going. And getting a bit of extra shut-eye isn’t the worst thing someone who has being working nights for nearly 13 years could do!

The garden has been a bit of a mixed bag. We are having a lot more problems with pests this year, particularly snails, who have eaten the majority of the seedlings/young plants I’ve grown. Some of what they left has been eaten by the sparrows, so I’ve been feeling quite disheartened. Until my brother pointed out it still looks lovely out there. He’s right, it does.

My favourite bits are the area above underneath the apple tree, which looks better every single day (those poppies though!) and my little raised salad bed. The rocket is coming thick and fast now and the lettuce and kale is coming along nicely. It’s one of the few areas I have properly protected so the damn snails can’t get at it.

Next year I’m concentrating on things that are easy to grow and don’t get eaten too much. Simple is best I reckon.

It’s nearly time to begin another working week, and as it happens I’m still doing really well at staying at work and actually earning some wages. Dare I say it, things are actually going ok right now. Ok, I’m off before I jinx it.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

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