One of THOSE People

I’ve got to admit, I was not my most productive self ever during my last shift of 2021. I get really excited by any kind of fresh start, so I was going around asking people what their hopes/dreams/plans are for 2022. Hardly anyone had thought about it, and I got a lot of ‘oh, you’re one of THOSE people’ comments. That’s ok though, I absolutely am one of those people.

I love Mondays, the first of the month, and a new year.

I didn’t have the usual fire inside of me for 2021, and I think that showed during the year. Without proper plans, I find myself coasting along, and that does not make me happy. I know I’m an overthinker, and I wondered if (oh, the irony) just letting things take their own course might be a good idea.

It was a useful experiment, but it’s not for me. I’m a planner through and through, so I’m taking all of the good things I liked doing from previous years and smooshing them all together to make this year a good year. I’ve got my plans and they’re being put into ACTION.

For the last two years, what I’ve mostly been is scared. I’ve been scared to go out, even to the woods, because thanks to Covid I have a very strong fear of people, even when I’m outside. Of course to some extent, my fears are completely rational. Covid is a very real threat and should be avoided. But passing a couple of dog walkers out in the open is lower risk than my anxiety would have me believe.

When I was at my happiest I spent a lot of time outdoors. Being active meant that I slept better, my appetite was regulated, I was fitter and just generally felt pretty good. This is a non-negotiable for 2022- I MUST get back outside. I cannot let that fear control my life.

Another fear I have is a fear of failure. The garden got very much neglected in 2021, because I put off doing so much. I’d want to sow some seeds, but this annoying voice in my head kept telling me that I wouldn’t do it right so it was best not to do it all. This voice was also pretty strong in previous years but in 2020 I managed to ignore it. As such the garden thrived, but then the next year I lost a lot of self-belief.

Even if something did grow successfully, I’d remember I needed to water it but then just… not do it. I’d get a weird sinking feeling inside of me, I’d decide to do it another time but in fact end up letting the plant die. Writing this down, I realise how strange I am. I wonder if anyone can relate or if it’s just me with this one.

Most of what I wanted to do over the last 12 months got put to one side because of that stupid feeling, so this year I’m doing my best to quiet it.

I am capable of much more than I give myself credit for, and even if things don’t all work out, it’s worth it to at least try. I’ve said the words, now I have to live by them.

One thing I want to do this year is to take more photos. I’ve always loved photography but my picture-taking has definitely slowed down. Probably because I don’t go out adventuring as much (or at all!) That’s going to change very soon.

I started this year as I mean to go on. I got out into the garden with my camera, and even though it looks all grey and horrible out there, there is always something to be found if you just go and look for it.

Despite my neglect, there is still plenty of life out there and much to be excited about. Some auriculas I grew from seed have somehow made it through, there is kale to be harvested, bulbs are starting to make their way up into the light and the sun even came out. I haven’t seen a blue sky in weeks!

And just like that, anything seems entirely possible once more.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

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