Life on Hold

Oof, it’s been a while! There are imminent life changes ahead for me; honestly, it’s been messing with my mind a lot. When I’m struggling I shut down, so I’ve been either asleep or escaping life through games, shows and films. If that’s what it takes to let my brain rest while I get back on track, then that’s fine(ish) by me. Gone are the days of carrying on regardless and ending up with a TOTAL MELTDOWN.

The downside is that my creativity has been non-existent. As for those life changes, I found out that in the next couple of years I’m going to be losing my job. I don’t even know exactly when, because the company I work for doesn’t know exactly when. Uncertainty sucks, but it makes financial sense for me to stay there as long as I can.

I decided that it would be really cool to someday be my own boss and make money from my creations. My sensible side decided to up the making of stuff and to post regularly on social media, which seems reasonable, right? Worst case scenario, I have a bit of fun and perhaps supplement my income a little.

What actually happened is that my brain started telling me that I’d never be able to do it and I ended up not really making anything despite having an absolute ton of ideas. Instead of forcing myself to get going, I went into something like system shutdown.

Brains are so dumb.

Every time I sit down to do something, mine tells me that I’m worthless and there’s no point. So when I’m doing something, there’s not only the task of doing the actual thing, but I also have to be fighting against these negative thoughts the whole damn time. It’s really tiring.

On top of that, I need to get my health on track because it has been thoroughly neglected. I’ve been trying since the end of 2020, and so far all I’ve done is make things worse for myself rather than better. I can’t seem to focus on more than one thing at a time right now, so for the next three months, my main goal is to GET IT TOGETHER in that respect.

I’ve set myself a little challenge of eating well for 100 days. I have 91 days to go and already I’m feeling much improved. I had a feeling that if I could just get through one week then things would be a little easier. Well, I was right.

What I’m telling myself at the moment is that if I need to drop everything else to stay on track, then I’m going to let myself do just that.

Once I’ve got a bit more momentum, then I’m going to make a game plan for the creative stuff and stick to it in the same way. Along with actually improving the health of my body, I think my current healthy venture also has a lot with rebuilding trust in myself – as in doing the things I say I’m going to do.

You know what’s going to help? If spring actually arrives this year. Spring is JUST NOT SPRINGING in the way that it should.

Having said that, the tulips are indeed tuliping, but I haven’t been able to cut the grass yet because it’s soggy as hell out there. And also, y’know, I’ve been hibernating like my life depended on it.

Don’t be deceived – I have cleverly taken these photos so that you can’t see all the crappy bits of the garden. And yes, I absolutely did run out there in my pyjamas to take a photo before the clouds covered the sun again.

It’s taking its time, but proper spring has to come eventually, so what can I do but wait it out?

I guess what I’m trying to say after all that is that yes, things have been a bit poo, but actually, it’s going to be ok.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

Coughs and Colds

I’m not alone in catching one bug after another this winter – almost everyone I work with feels crappy in one way or another. As soon as I get rid of one illness I catch another, and it’s getting REALLY ANNOYING, especially as I cannot afford to have any time off work. Like most others, I just have to grit my teeth and get on with it, whilst simultaneously spreading my germs around the place. At least it’s not covid this time. I got in trouble for not going to work with covid in December and had to have a disciplinary, which is all kinds of crazy. I’ve had covid twice now – the first time it was literally illegal for me to leave the house, whereas the last time I got in trouble for not spreading it around. Make it make sense.

It’s doubly annoying because there is SO MUCH I want to do this year, yet as soon as it gets to the weekend all I have the energy to do is rest. I so hope that spring brings healthier times.

In between bugs, I have had some nice times this month. The highlight has got to be the dog sleepover – our first time having Pluto overnight, along with Newton. I’ve just realised that I haven’t even shared a picture of Pluto yet, which goes to show how under the weather I’ve been because this is exciting news indeed.

My sister got a little brother for Newton in January, and although he is so different to our gorgeous Newt butt, he is very much adorable in his own little way (albeit a handful, but aren’t all puppies?)

He is a lot less laid back than Newton was at that age, which is quite… tiring, but the snuggles more than make up for it. He only has on or off – he is getting into EVERYTHING or he is in the deepest sleep I ever witnessed.

My knitting year hasn’t started with the bang I hoped it would, but I did get a little commission done for the daughter of someone I work with and her girlfriend, just in time for Valentine’s Day.

I’m going to make time for some knitting this weekend, because I have an absolutely SUPERB idea that I can’t wait to show off. It’s going to be fantastic. I cannot overstate how excited I am about it.

I also got out into the garden for the tiniest of tidy ups, and the pre-spring bulbs are bringing a bit of colour and joy into the garden. We’ve had some really nice winter sun at times, and on the morning I took my camera into the garden, it looked like the flowers were glowing.

And just like that, I am excited again about the new gardening year. Before this month is over, I need to get the February seeds on the go before it’s too late, especially as last year I didn’t do nearly enough in the garden.

As long as I can stay healthy for more than five minutes, the year should finally get going for me now. Let’s hope these aren’t famous last words…

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

Slow & Sleepy

It was a slow January. I wonder if I had a touch of long covid because until last week I found it very difficult to stay awake at all.

It has been too cold to want to do much whether I felt like it or not,but the frost couldn’t keep me away from a good photo opportunity.

My favourite picture was this one:

I wanted to capture the tiny bit of winter sun that was able to get into the garden, but also as I was breathing out (I was deliberately huffing my breath out to make it more noticeable) it made a really nice hazy effect. If you look closely, you can see the moisture particles.

That’s pretty awesome, right? I’m itching to get back into gardening as I didn’t do much over the last couple of years. I had so many plans, but I was too ambitious what with all the other various crafts and projects I like to dabble in, not to mention having a full-time job. This year I have simple yet effective plans – I’m trying to do a little bit of everything rather than hyperfocus on one thing.

As for the knitting, I am still pottering away in the background but I haven’t managed to do much. When it comes to my spare time I’ve spent a lot of it playing The Sims. Firstly because I effing LOVE playing Sims, and secondly because, when I’m feeling under the weather, it’s the only thing I can manage to do other than sleep.

Last week I found I had some spare energy, so I made it a priority to get out of the house for a long walk. It was lovely to be out, there was still a lot to see even though spring is not yet doing its thing.

It’s easy for me to feel a bit panicky that there isn’t enough time to do all the things that I love, but then I remember that my annual leave allowance will be renewed on the 1st of April, and once again I will have a better work/life balance. I forget this every single year!

As soon as I see the spring sun, that will also perk me up and life will get more interesting again. Until then, I am still in hibernation mode (which is apparently a completely normal thing for humans to do, to kind of hunker down for the winter, and it’s only goddamn capitalism trying to convince us we should have the same level of productivity all year round).

Anyway! If you need me I’ll be mostly under a duvet with a good book for the rest of this month.

When I return, I’ll have some new knits to show you.

Until then, thanks for reading!

Hayley x